LEWISTON, MAINE
With killings by assault weapons becoming more common in the United States, one unaddressed problem is how to talk to people who lived through the carnage. Although I was nowhere near the Oct. 25 shootings in Lewiston, Maine, I live and work here.
I'm more trauma adjacent than anything else. But I can say what worked and what didn't in the aftermath, especially when it comes to conversations.
Here are my suggestions, then, of how to talk to someone who has lived in a community with lots of trauma:
Don't Second Guess
It's human nature to ask questions and think of ways you personally wouldn't have been as unfortunate as others. Don't do it to someone whose city had a mass shooting. This would be very rude, perhaps as socially unacceptable as wearing white after Labor Day.
Do Reach Out
The art of mailing notes continues to diminish. But fortunately, sending a text or an emoji is a welcome, and speedier, substitute.
When my wife told me to keep texting so she knew I was O.K. while I was at work following the shootings, I sent short replies. My brother asked how I was doing via text as well.
After I told him I had returned home, he replied with a thumbs up icon and added, "Scary bro."
Don't Assume People Are O.K. Because They Sound Fine
Although "I'm fine" is a standard response in social situations, people might not show any sign of struggling in the immediate aftermath. Figuring out feelings takes time, which means that a person might not be doing well after they said they were.
This can be confusing because most social interactions in the United States don't deal with negative emotions. Two standard comments about a deceased person tend to be either A) how they will be missed or B) how much of a turnout their funeral had.
How to deal with grief doesn't appear in many etiquette manuals because no polite statement, however well-intentioned, helps. Listening can.
Do Show Support
Lewiston has had many fundraising efforts to assist survivors and families. At the last regular game of the Lewiston High School football team's season, the crowd recognized emergency responders, police, firefighters or nurses, who helped that night. The names of the dead were also read aloud in silence during the ceremony at the start of the game.
While informal, unlike buying a gift for a wedding, all the previous examples count as signs of support.
Don't Say, "Nothing Can Be Done"
A standard line in correspondence is concluding with "Kindest regards." But if a person claims nothing could have prevented a mass murder, they are not being kind. In fact, should a person make such an insensitive remark, they are not worth replying to, whether in person or by mail.
While working to have a future without mass shootings cannot be measured, unlike sending flowers, it's the most polite thing a person can do.
